where am i at?

right now
in this moment,
this moment is all i have.
unknowns fold in and i'm not ok
with just continuing with the way things are.
pretending that i don't realize
that something is missing.

everything has to be deep for me
because there is always meaning
and i am always learning.

the waiting is the hard part....

but i trust.

because i always know,
that in the end
all will be revealed.

it really is not about the destination
(because i WILL get there)
but it is ALL about the journey.

and just when you think that you are comfortable,
it really isn't an end at all.
it's just another beginning....

and so it is!

love and light,
s

Oh summer...where art thou?

So it is not suprising that winter is starting to get to me.

I'm so not a winter person. And this year has not started off too well. So unwell in fact, that both myself and my cousin have decided that the real new year is going to start at the beginning of February when the Chinese New Year begins.

A friend called the other day and told me that January 18th is the most depressing day of the year...and he was just calling to cheer me up. It is moments like these that help with these long, cold winter days and nights.

As with everything, winter is just a moment that will pass; just something to go through. But even though I know this, while I'm going through it, it's still a pain in the ass :)

Love and light,

S

My 2010 Gratitude List

And now I would like to present my 2010 gratitude list...

What am I grateful for?

*my big, deep feeling heart and all that comes with it

*unexpected, easy friendships in unexpected places

*homeopathy (did I mention that it has changed my life)

*the life that I have chosen to create

*little boys who are still little boys underneath it all

*the courage that I had to take risks and discover new adventures

*all the learnings, that never really end

*continuing my hair journey

*my boy, the witness to my journey, all the ups and downs, ins and outs, and his compassionate patience

*the job I found and all the lessons it has to teach me

*Lutie, the white striped siamese troublemaker

*renewal of friendships and the serendipitous way that this manifested

*the courage and strength to open

*the good, the bad and the ugly: because ugly really isn't as ugly as I thought it would be. There is always a gift in the end.

*positive choices that prioritized me

* the love that surrounds me in unexpected and yet simple ways

*unexpected teachers through whom the universe speaks

*family and good friends and the unforgettable moments

*the simple things that can be found in each moment

*my down time

*the courage to go against the grain

*yoga, yoga and more yoga

What do I hope 2011 brings?

*peace and ease

*deeper levels of self-discovery

*continued serendipitous moments

*love

*more creative outlets

*insight

*lots of fun adventures into the unknown

May this new year be all that you want it to be and more!

With love,

S

Appreciation

As the magic of the holiday season approaches, I am reminded about the importance of appreciation. I received this message in my inbox today:

If we don’t feel that we are receiving from the Light indefinitely more than we are giving, then appreciation is an area we need to focus on in our spiritual work. We can also be certain that no matter how challenging this work may seem, the rewards are greater than we can possibly imagine.

When we are focused on what we don’t have we start losing appreciation. And when we lose appreciation we can also lose what we do have.

A person with a true desire for life has gratitude for what he has, yet he still craves more. We were meant to have it all. A person with authentic desire knows he has been given wonderful gifts, but he also knows they can disappear at any moment. He feels full and incomplete at the same time.

The lesson to remember is:

Our connection to ourselves, others, and ultimately to the Light of the Creator begins and ends with appreciation.

This is something we already know. I simply wish to remind you of the utter importance of constantly fighting to remain in gratitude. And make no mistake it is a struggle, because our natural instinct is to look for the negative. It takes effort to not compare ourselves with others, and to not feel lack. It’s easy to erupt in anger and self-pity resulting from jealousy or insecurity, but far more difficult to wage the internal battle against ego (which is the root cause of resentment, doubt, and you can fill in the rest.)

It’s not just that we should strive for appreciation of things and experiences. People who help us along the way are also channels for the Light. If we forget them, then we are cutting off our connection to the Source of all that is good in our life. Even if it was 20 years ago, it’s important to remember people who were there for us along our journey. When we are busy looking at the good others have done for us, our attention shifts away from what we don’t have.

All of us are blessed with various gifts. We need to take time to be grateful for these gifts, so they will remain with us. Through appreciation we can avoid feeling that we are missing out on something, thereby wasting or losing what we do have. The feeling of abundance creates more abundance.

This week, take a step back. Develop greater appreciation by imagining what life would be like if the things, people, qualities, abilities you do have were taken away. Every time you find yourself fixated on the glittering lives in the pages of People, or the shiny new toys your neighbor has, bring back your focus. Come back home to yourself, to your life, and look around.

What if these things and these people weren’t here tomorrow? How much would you miss them?

Happy holidays to you and yours!

With love,

S

Note to Self

*You are only one person...there is only so much you can do. Or as my dad says: "Eat the elephant one bite at a time."

*Connecting with good friends is important. Make sure to make time for it!

*My feelings always let me know the truth

*Scott Pilgrim versus the World rocks! I need to own this movie...and the soundtrack if possible

*You really are a BIG nerd

*Boundaries are important...make sure you use them!

*Keep doing things you love

*Shopping therapy is important for your mental health. Treat yourself once in awhile

* I'm too sensitive to drink black tea...I need to find alternatives

*Yoga, yoga and more yoga

*Cute boys make me blush

*As my son likes to say: show me the rule book!

*Christmas is around the corner. I need to get my butt in gear

* No more complaints and wear my complaint free world bracelet until it I stop

*You never know what's going on in someone's life by just looking at them. I love the stories

*I really do geek out about anything to do with: vampires, my hair (I want to get it as straight as my hairdresser does), Jersey Shore and New Age stuff

*Bring more music into your life...it's important!

AND last but not least....

Remember: everything is in divine perfect order and will unfold as it should

With love,

S

Welcome to your dream

My life has become such a whirlwind over the past couple of months that I don't even know where to begin. So many magical things are afoot, so many changes, so much growth it is actually really incredible.

I want them all to be remembered...I just want to list them all:

*finished school....YAAH!

*EFT tapping for money (it works...try it!!)

*new jobs and all the tiredness that comes with it

*homeopathy: it has changed my life...literally

*peace powders

*candle burning

*new friends and reconnecting with old friends

*continuing to get closer with my boy

*magic all around me

*hard choices that are right for me

*reconnections that i never expected

*superhero hunting

*new balances

*unexpected friendships

*more intuitive moments

*vampire obsessions

*dancing the night away

*learning about what life is again

*dreams.....

*open opportunities

*opening to love again

*camping adventures

*Niagara overnights

*hopes and dreams discovered

*new boundaries and possibilities

Life is a dream....anything is all possible!

S

P.S. I'm getting back into yoga again...it brings me so much balance

Being Vulnerable....

I heard this song today and I love it! Showing our vulnerabilities is what makes us human but also it is what makes us who we are. A lesson to remember indeed...

Love and light,

S

My Natural Transition: Journeying deeper into myself

Last year, around this same time I decided to go natural. For those of you who may not know what this means, I will fill you in. It means that I decided to no longer straighten my hair and instead decided to embrace my natural tresses. This means that I would be embracing the natural texture of my hair and I had no idea what it looked like. This was both a very exciting and very scary process at the same time. I have not seen my natural hair since I first started perming my hair when I was 12, so this was a pretty major decision to say the least.

Why, you may ask, did I decide to do it? I decided to do it because I was so tired of sitting in a hairdressing chair for 5 hours plus to get the same hairstyle that I have been getting for the past 6 years (at least). I really began to feel oppressed by the entire process, being tied to someone else to actually do something that I should have been able to do myself and relying on having to get a perm say every 2 months and feeling somewhat too tied to that entire process. It was like I was always looking for that next fix of straight hair. After awhile, it wasn't sitting well with me for so many different reasons.

When I initially started I was scared. I didn't know what to do, didn't know what my hair would look like. I just had a vision of what I imagined it would be and hoped that I could get it like that. It was also a process where my hair was straight for a pretty long time, as I tried to grow out the permed and for a minute, the process of it didn't seem to hard. I remember continually wondering why in so many blogs, forums and you tube videos, girls complained about how hard the process was because I thought that it wasn't too bad. I also didn't want to go to just any hairdresser to help with the process because I was afraid that they wouldn't know what to do and they would tell me that I would have to cut off all my hair and I just wasn't ready for that.

As time passed I began to realize just how difficult it was. Not only did I have to embrace my hair as it was and learn how to actually take care of and style my hair (thank goodness for you tube!!) but I was constantly pulled between this tension of having straight hair or curly hair. I was also discouraged because my hair didn't look the way that I wanted it to. There were so many girls on Youtube with hair videos with beautiful, big curly hair that seemed so simple and care free and I wasn't there yet.

Throughout this process I realized just how tied I am to my hair: just how much I allow it to identify who I am and just how many layers are tied to a black hair including self-esteem, identity, conforming to societal and cultural standards, etc.

After much wrestling back and forth through so many of these issues, I realized that embracing my hair as it is, meant really embracing who I am fully. Once I began to treat my hair with love and kindness I began to see just how much of this process was a journey to deeper self-acceptance and love. By all means, I cannot say that this process is over: I have my good days and my bad days but what I do know is that I am redefining myself every day and continuing to peel away the layers that are me. It is almost like an onion, the more layers that I peel away, the closer I am to my true core.

For more about this I have included a link to a video that I found really helpful. I feel like it really speaks to me in terms of my hair journey. Although I don't agree with everything she says I think she provides a good overview.

http://www.youtube.com/profile?user=curlychronicles#p/u/105/bYUwpM-NYy0

Love and light,

S

Clarity

I am finding that I am having a lot of trouble saying what I mean lately. I mean actually articulating my words and saying what's in my heart, especially with those who are close to me and who I should be totally present with, always.

I had the opportunity recently to attend a conference that discussed resiliency amongst people who are living with addictions and mental illness conducted by Dr. Gabor Mate, who is an absolute genius (if you get a chance to read his books, please do so!). He talks about how one of the ways to provide support to these people is to be fully present, authentic and genuine. In other words, to be human and open to showing your genuine humanity.He discussed many other significant things throughout the lecture that could not only be applied to his clientele but could also apply to life in general. From his lecture, the idea of being fully present really sat with me.

I was speaking with a friend about just how easy it is zone out, shut down during life (in particular though, I am referring to my current school experience). It is so easy to disconnect, numb out and not feel. I have been struggling with this habit of mine because I find that in so doing, I miss a lot of what I am meant to experience. And I also find that I have to tune back in at some point, especially because I am surrounded by such beautiful, deep feeling, authentic, purposely awake people.

By the way, Gabor Mate would probably say that all of these habits go back to our childhood and are a result of adaptive, protective mechanisms that we used to protect or defend ourselves.

Part of me agrees with what he says, but for me, it is all a part of the journey.

So I guess I have to decide: am I human or am I a dancer?

Love and light,

S

Side note #1:

I have realized that I have been writing this blog for almost a year now. It was initially supposed to be for six months. Looking back I see how much things have changed for me. I'm realizing that it is nice to have a record to look back on to capture those magical moments!

Side note #2:

I have recently been seeing a homeopathic doctor and the results have been amazing!! I am so grateful to have had the opportunity to meet my doctor and feel blessed to have been able to receive the benefits of this life changing practice! It really has changed my life!

True to self

Found this in my inbox today from a daily e-letter that I subscribe to....I love the message because it rings so true to me!

Wednesday January 27, 2010

Everything begins and ends with our own individual behavior.When we are honest with our emotions, however dark they may be, we invite others to be real and to face their own pain. And then real transformation can occur - that's how we are going to fix this planet.But when we suppress, when we are fake, we send a message out to others that they need to be fake too and hold in their truth. This is how things will remain the same.Today, be real. You don't need to be anyone else but who you are. Being honest helps the rest of us find our truth.

Love and light,

s

My 2009 Gratitude List

Instead of resolutions I decided to do a gratitude list. And here it is...

-sweet boy hugs and kisses

-anusara yoga in magical studio

-people who walk awake

-brothers who show their love in the littlest yet most meaningful ways

-healing homeopathy

-lush, lush and more lush :)

-driven social workers who dare to do things differently

-the light

-rest

-universe's blessings

-dedicated dad: who loves harder as time moves forward

-inspirational teachers

-friends who lovingly hold you as you are

-courageous feeling people

-family that shows love through keeping traditions alive

-west coast cousins who will be closer soon :)

-natural manes

-crystals

-mom that gets closer even though she may be far

-healing home with a big heart

-kitten's whiny meow

-late night talks and laughs

-the moving sound of DeLory's chants

-a feeling heart

-blissful moments

-community of peace and love where you are given permission to just be

-Coupland and Coelho

-serendipitous moments of love

Love and light,

s

Welcome to your dream...

I was given this beautiful message this week and I decided to share. I am so grateful and blessed...enjoy!

This is your dream it is very important to dream. Dreaming helps everything, dreaming is to let go and feel. Do things in real life to let go and feel like go to a dance, party, yoga or so on. Life gives you things to love, enjoy, feel and treasure. Be an inspiration to someone else or more importantly YOU!! Dreaming is like who cares what’s goanna happen tomorrow: today is today, tomorrow is tomorrow. BE A TREASURE TO HOLD, BE AN INSPIRATION!!!

Love and light,

S

Being Vulnerable

I received this message in my inbox today. The timing couldn't be more perfect.

It said:

There's a joy in living real. No pretense. No defense. No offense. It takes great strength to show our weaknesses to the world.When we are displaying control or anger, what are we really showing? How weak we are. We take it out on everyone around us because we are afraid to be real.Be vulnerable today. Get in touch with those jelly feelings hiding beneath the hard façade.

What a wake up! Thanks universe!

Love and light,

S

Surrender and trust the process...

Everything that I do has to have with it an opportunity for me to shine. By this I mean that I have to be able to truly and fully be who I am in every aspect of me life. If I can't be myself then I can't do it.

Recently I have been trying to practice the art of surrender; allowing myself to trust the process, surrender to what is and just be. This has proven to be a difficult task for me as I have the habit of overworking to reveal the light in everything. You can only imagine how tiring this can be.

Then today I came across this quote, innocently yet boldly written on a wall:

Relying on outside things for happiness is like trying to catch a cloud with a lasso.

When I saw this it was like a lightbulb went off in my head. I came to the realization that I was relying too much on external circumstances for my own fulfillment. I have been attaching myself to results outside of myself to make me happy.

Now that I know this, I have to readjust my sails and allow things to unfold as they should without losing myself in it all. This is quite the balancing act and will take some getting used to but I have to remember that everything is always being rewritten.

Love and light,

S

Pushing beyong limits

I saw this quote on the wall in the change room at my yoga studio today. It said:

I write, erase, rewrite, erase again and then a poppy blooms - Hokushi

I took it as a metophor of the cycle of birth and rebirth in life. We are always recreating ourselves, adjusting ourselves to the winds of challenge that face us. And that's okay because there is always a gift that is given when we continue moving forward. Every challenge has light in it and it is the light, not the darkness that guides us.

Today I took on a challenge of my own. I went to a yoga class with a teacher who really challenges us to go beyond what we think is possible for us. The first class I went to of hers was when I first started yoga and I found it very, very challenging. She really pushed us and I crumbled. I felt like I couldn't do it and it would be too hard to return to her class.

Coming to this class, my confidence level was built up and I felt that I could do it. She opened the class by asking us what we feared and she wanted us to release that in our session today.

I am proud because I did it and I stuck it through and it felt good to know that I could push passed the fear and anxiety of it all.

So like the quote above, I tried, failed, tried again and the gift was received.

Thank you universe for showing me what is possible!

I am grateful....

Light and love,

S

Yoga...Ommmm

I love yoga!

It's something that I can do that gives me the exercise and release that I need. It has such a spiritual aspect to it as well that deeply moves me every time. And I love the feeling of spaciousness and grounding that I am guaranteed to get every time I leave a yoga class.

I have been blessed to find a great yoga studio in my area, in a beautiful space with fabulous teachers. I remember the first time that I went. I contemplated going for a long time and I was very nervous to go. But the universe always seems to bring you the people you need to support you wherever you are.

I remember initially trying out different teachers and classes, until I came across the most amazing teacher. She is deeply spiritual, supportive and moving. But she has this way of knowing exactly what I need and what I need to hear-it's really amazing.

One class recently was particularly moving for me. It was a really moving, intense class and a lot was released for me. I also remember having some trouble settling my mind and staying focused in this class as well. Toward the end of the class my yoga teacher began to disclose stuff about her life. She said that she came to realize throughout her life that all she had to do was just be and that alone was perfect enough. She then quoted a song from one of her favourite artists and the line from the song was: "Get out of bed. Get out of your mind. And get to dreaming."

In that moment I realized just how much time I spend consumed and distracted by things around me. Placing me energy into things that don't really matter when there are more important things to be focused on-like dreaming. I am a really big dreamer and often find myself lost in daydreaming about things that I want to see happen. Dreaming has allowed me to see so many things come to pass that I never thought would be possible. It is important to dream and when you get caught up in the busyness of daily life sometimes the dreaming gets lost.

So, get out of bed, get out of your mind and start dreaming.

This will be my new mantra.

Love and light,

S

The beauty of being held

I have been meaning to write about this for awhile now but for some reason, I’ve never gotten around to giving it the attention in my blog that it deserves.

Last year, my practicum for school was at a social service organization that provides bereavement support for people who have lost someone close to them. I remember when I first got the placement I immediately wondered what I was meant to learn from this experience.

I’ve learned many things from this experience that I will carry with me for the rest of my life. Despite learning how I could do my job better, it was also a true experience of awakening that occurred on so many different levels. It was truly a magical experience filled with tons of A-Ha! Moments at every turn along the way.

But one of the most important things that I learned is what real relationships are. They should be based on mutual support of each other- no one person is burdened by the problems of the other and both people are equally held in their moment, whatever that may be. Along with this comes the idea of telling your story and being open about what you are feeling, without judgment or feeling uncomfortable.

Being held in your moment is such a beautiful experience because you are being accepted just the way you are, faults and all. For me, this is what love is- being held by another person when you are truly and authentically you.

Recently, I have had the chance to be held like this and I am grateful for having these people in my life. It is a beautiful acceptance of my humanity and ultimately, who I am as a person.

And now, I have to quote Michael Jackson’s song Will You Be There? It’s unfortunate because I knew just how brilliant he was as an artist but it was only after his death, and my own life experiences that I could truly appreciate the depth of his music.

In the song Michael sings:

Hold me, like the river Jordan, and I will then say to thee you are my friend. Carry me, like you are my brother, love me like a mother, will you be there?

Light and love,

S

Summer Lessons

This summer I made a conscious choice to take the summer off to revitalize, renew and re-energize. I usually seem to make decisions like this, as I have to allow my be my heart to lead the way and do what's best for me desptie what is considered the "right" thing to do. Going against the grain seems to be my thing.

As I re-enter into the hustle and bustle of life once again, I thought it would be a good idea to make a list of the things that I learned or was able to foster as a result of my choice to rest this summer. Every time I choose to share something like this I question what people will think because I am sharing such an intimate part of myself. But I quickly realize how important and healing it is to be able to write this blog and the fear vanishes.

Now... to the list:

* closer relationship with son and a deeper appreciation for who is as a person (which is priceless)

* my decision to go natural: I never realized just how unsatisfied I was with my permed hair and this summer I actually was able to begin this process

* felt my heart begin to awaken again

* opened myself up to new people and friendships

* more self-discovery and time to be with myself: able to experience deeper dimensions of myself

* lots more time to crystal hunt: discovered fantastic stores and magical places

* commitment to yoga and reaping its benefits

* lots more time to daydream and use positive visualizations

* learned the importance of slowing down and taking time for myself and my family

Overall, I learned that if I didn't take this time, these wonderful things may have been realized much later or even not at all. I am grateful....

Love and light,

S

Stars

I found this story today on a blog that I follow:

It was Christmas eve, several years ago and I stopped by to a coffee shop to take a break from all the gift-shopping. I was also carrying some books in case I felt like reading, and a sketchbook and my pencils, so I took them out of the bag and relaxed myself and started drawing. After an hour or so, it seemed to me like I had plunged in another world; a world where I felt alive, where fairytales really existed, and witches and magic beans were not products of some writer’s imagination.

Then after a while,a light seemed to blind me. I stopped drawing, and I looked up.
A man had entered, wearing the most absurd clothes, like having come out of a fairytale; green tights, a check t-shirt and carrying a big bag. He went over towards my table.
“You ’ve got many books there. Have you possibly read “Mister God, this is Anna”? ”.This clicked!How can a stranger speak about God? And how did he know my name?
“May I buy you something to eat?” I asked. He seemed poor.“No, thank you. But instead you can pick anything from my bag, and give me whatever you think it is its value”.

So I took a look at the bag, full of toys - instantly I thought “was he Santa disguised?” - but then I saw that tiny ladybird, a symbol of renewed life, made possibly with clay. I picked it up, and gave him what I thought it was worth.

“You are very generous, so I ’ll tell you a secret;” he said.“Everyone is a star. All of us are stars. And the time comes when the stars fall. But till then, we can shine so immensely that we can shed light in the darkness of the sky, and hopefully our light will carry other stars along with us and shine more brightly.”He said these words, and he left;leaving the ladybird on the table!The light faded and faded, and it was like I had woken up from a dream, but all of this was real!

I thought that it was beautiful and it reminds me of something that I wrote one night when I couldn't sleep:

Couldn’t sleep last night and something deep within me quietly said go look outside for stars. We always hear how beautiful the stars are but have you ever really looked? You should, you won’t be disappointed. For everyone who has ever questioned their own existence or if this world is in some way orchestrated by someone/thing bigger than ourselves, a Source, please look at the stars.

I realized that at that precise moment in my life, everything in my life led me here, in that exact spot, being so close to something that seemed so far away. I was 20, living in a town I never thought I would, happy enjoying my life but mostly learning to love myself.

To think that I could instantly look out my bedroom window and instantly connect with my Source and know I was not alone. I instantly felt the connection of how important I am in this universe but also how insignificant I am at the same time. To know that everything had been orchestrated for me to be at the window that particular night made me fells so loved, so wanted, so at home.

Looking at the stars also reminded me of who God created us to be. He created us to be brilliant, bold and bright. To give all of ourselves even if we didn’t have any more to give, even when the clouds cover us and the rain may temporarily displace out beauty. To shine out brightest in the face of adversity, fear and confusion. We were sent here to be the best of ourselves and even though you may not know it you have it within you to shine your brightest right NOW! Just become like the stars and BE who you are deep within your being. And always remember that you are not alone- all you have to do is look up at the stars.

What a beautiful reminder of how much we are loved!

Love and light,

S

Quotes from the book The Alchemist

I saw this and it just made me feel good. I hope it does the same for you!

Alchemist quotes by Gayle

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